I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
