Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
