If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
