You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
