I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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