I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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