You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
