so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
