I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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