i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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