i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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