its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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