Don't you send me to vm
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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