we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
