Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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