my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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