wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize