So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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