i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
