I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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