I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
