when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Who died my cat blue again?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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