two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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