Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
