Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
