sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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