WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
