I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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