Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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