I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
