I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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