you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Your dad touched me again.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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