I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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