im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
