hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
