I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
