The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
