I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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