Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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