I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
