Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
