I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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