Cold hands, warm shart.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
