Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
