Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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