I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
