We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
