also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
