the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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