I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
