sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
