I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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