cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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