i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
