I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
