TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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