My liver just broke up with me...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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