I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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